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How to Be A Good Wife Circa 2017


There's a Good Wife guide floating around the internet supposedly from the 13 May 1955 edition of a magazine called Housekeeping Monthly. has verified that it is indeed a fabrication but I thought it would still be fun to create a rebuttal from a modern woman's point-of-view:

Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal ready on time for his return. This is a way of letting him know that you have be thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they get home and the prospect of a good meal is part of the warm welcome needed.

Remember to add wine to the cook and dinner is done when the smoke alarm goes off.

Prepare yourself. Take 15 minutes to rest so you'll be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh-looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people.

It goes both ways here.  Pop a breath mint. Wear some deodorant, or take a shower.  Good hygiene saves marriages. 

Be a little gay and a little more interesting for him. His boring day may need a lift and one of your duties is to provide it. Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives. Run a dust cloth over the tables.

I only clean when I'm pissed off.  If the house is clean when you come home, you may want to consider leaving again. Also, you make me wish I had more middle fingers.

Be happy to see him. Greet him with a warm smile and show sincerity in your desire to please him. Listen to him. You may have a dozen important things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first - remember, his topics of conversation are more important than yours.

He should be glad that I tell him he looks tired instead of saying that he looks like crap.  

Minimize all noise. At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of the washer, dryer or vacuum. Encourage the children to be quiet.

Me:  Duct tapes his mouth and the children's.  Sits back and enjoys the silence.

Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or lie him down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him. Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soothing and pleasant voice.

Let's just have a cocktail instead and pretend that we get along.

A good wife always knows her place.

A good spouse always knows they can be replaced. 

Got any good rebuttals of your own?  Let me see them in comments!